Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
