We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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