Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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