i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
