i think my mom watched the whole time
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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