new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
