After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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