the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
