i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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