fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
