I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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