I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
