Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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