i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Randomize
