Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
