I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
