Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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