I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
