Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
