I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize