What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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