i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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