I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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