She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
