I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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