Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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