I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
