I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize