Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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