So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
