I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
