My liver just broke up with me...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize