You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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