My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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