it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
