he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
