I wannas sexs uuuuu
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
