i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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