yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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