im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
