Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
