she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize