I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
