what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
