I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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