at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
