if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
