either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
