his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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