why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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