he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
