I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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