Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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