I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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