as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Everyone says I win the strip club
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize