just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
