My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize