I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
